About a year ago (a year minus three days to be exact), I boarded a plane from Denmark to the US. Right now, I'm sitting on a plane, making the same trip.
Back a year ago, I left my wife and two kids to make a new life for myself in the US. Not that I wanted to leave my kids. I still don''t.
About ten years ago, I lived in the US for a two and a half years with my then girlfriend, now ex-wife, and the mother of my kids. We had a great time. Initially it was just for a year, but that year passed quickly, and we decided to stay for at least another year. After two and a half years we were at a crossroads, where both of our visas had expired, and we needed to figure out what to do now.
We decided that we both definitely wanted to live in the US again, but that we didn't want to cut our ties to Denmark completely at this point, so we'd move back home for 2-3 years and then move back to the US. And so we moved back, but the time frame for our return move to the US kept being the friedman unit $$$.
So nine years passed, we got kids and a house and a mortgage, and the day never came.
I have always felt like an american at heart. My dad brought computers and computer books home to me from his trips to the US when I was a kid. He took my brother and I on two trips to the US when I was around 10 years old. I taught myself how to read and write and speak English before we had it in school, because I needed it to be able to understand what the computers said.
When I first set foot in the US as an adult, in New York City in May of 1999, I felt like I'd arrived home. I felt connected to the place, the people, the energy. I felt like like a native.
In the nine years that passed between my move to Denmark at the end of 2001 and my return to the US in January of 2011, I never really got integrated into Danish culture. In the first several years my employees were Swedish, American, German, Croat. My customer were Dutch, Canadian, American, German. The only TV show I watched was The Daily Show. The only news I read were US news on the web. The only magazines I read were Wired, FastCompany, Inc., You get the picture: I felt and lived like an expat in Denmark.
So last year, after three years of therapy and trying to salvage the relationship, I left and bought a plane ticket to New York, and then on to San Francisco. Started to set up a business there and apply for a visa.
But things didn't quite work out as smoothly as I'd hoped, Turned our there was a lot of processing to do. Breaking up with your wife after 14 years together, and with two small kids, and breaking with your father at the same time, lots of friends falling by the wayside, mid-life crisis. There was a lot of work to be done.
I still don't have a visa, and so I ended up spending the second half of 2011 in Denmark. That turned out to be great for many things - my relationship with my kids, my relationship with my ex-wife, my zenbilling businesss which currently only has customers in Denmark. But it wasn't the dream. The dream was to move to the US and establish a business there.
So now, after almost 6 months in Denmark, I'm on a plane back to the US. Second try. Let's hope it works out this time. (If not, I'm going to keep trying. I'm not giving up.)
My new wife is by my side. A new business plan. A new visa strategy. A new immigration lawyer. A new lease on life.
And yet, my emotions are pretty mixed. I miss my kids already. I'm scared. Already I feel alone in a big, big, merciless country. What if I get everything I'd hoped for, and I'm still not happy? For so many years, I've been longing and longing to move back to the US, pretending I didn't really live in Denmark. It's a lot of hope and expectation to have riding on this small aluminum tube in the sky.
Also, the past several months in Denmark have been so much about survival. Making things work with kids that have to be in school by 7.55am when we live across town, living with my mom and in various sublets, financial struggles, and all kinds of stuff.
Lots of things have been postponed due to the day-to-day survival mode. "Let's figure this out when we're back in the US, or on the plane." Well, that time is now. Now is the time to figure those things out. And that, as it happens, is scary.
What if I can't figure them out? What if the ideas aren't coming? I'm really really tired. It feels like I'm collapsing after all of the holding myself up I've been doing for the past few months, and in the collapsing, some of the feelings that were repressed are coming up to visit.
I know it's all bullshit, of course. But the thoughts are there, rummaging around in my subconscious mind. And thoughts create emotions, whether we're aware of them or not.
That's why it's so important that we become more and more aware of our subconscious thoughts and beliefs so we can choose to change them.
Continually shedding light on what's going on in our subconscious mind remains one of the most important and powerful things we can do in our lives.
Back a year ago, I left my wife and two kids to make a new life for myself in the US. Not that I wanted to leave my kids. I still don''t.
About ten years ago, I lived in the US for a two and a half years with my then girlfriend, now ex-wife, and the mother of my kids. We had a great time. Initially it was just for a year, but that year passed quickly, and we decided to stay for at least another year. After two and a half years we were at a crossroads, where both of our visas had expired, and we needed to figure out what to do now.
We decided that we both definitely wanted to live in the US again, but that we didn't want to cut our ties to Denmark completely at this point, so we'd move back home for 2-3 years and then move back to the US. And so we moved back, but the time frame for our return move to the US kept being the friedman unit $$$.
So nine years passed, we got kids and a house and a mortgage, and the day never came.
I have always felt like an american at heart. My dad brought computers and computer books home to me from his trips to the US when I was a kid. He took my brother and I on two trips to the US when I was around 10 years old. I taught myself how to read and write and speak English before we had it in school, because I needed it to be able to understand what the computers said.
When I first set foot in the US as an adult, in New York City in May of 1999, I felt like I'd arrived home. I felt connected to the place, the people, the energy. I felt like like a native.
In the nine years that passed between my move to Denmark at the end of 2001 and my return to the US in January of 2011, I never really got integrated into Danish culture. In the first several years my employees were Swedish, American, German, Croat. My customer were Dutch, Canadian, American, German. The only TV show I watched was The Daily Show. The only news I read were US news on the web. The only magazines I read were Wired, FastCompany, Inc., You get the picture: I felt and lived like an expat in Denmark.
So last year, after three years of therapy and trying to salvage the relationship, I left and bought a plane ticket to New York, and then on to San Francisco. Started to set up a business there and apply for a visa.
But things didn't quite work out as smoothly as I'd hoped, Turned our there was a lot of processing to do. Breaking up with your wife after 14 years together, and with two small kids, and breaking with your father at the same time, lots of friends falling by the wayside, mid-life crisis. There was a lot of work to be done.
I still don't have a visa, and so I ended up spending the second half of 2011 in Denmark. That turned out to be great for many things - my relationship with my kids, my relationship with my ex-wife, my zenbilling businesss which currently only has customers in Denmark. But it wasn't the dream. The dream was to move to the US and establish a business there.
So now, after almost 6 months in Denmark, I'm on a plane back to the US. Second try. Let's hope it works out this time. (If not, I'm going to keep trying. I'm not giving up.)
My new wife is by my side. A new business plan. A new visa strategy. A new immigration lawyer. A new lease on life.
And yet, my emotions are pretty mixed. I miss my kids already. I'm scared. Already I feel alone in a big, big, merciless country. What if I get everything I'd hoped for, and I'm still not happy? For so many years, I've been longing and longing to move back to the US, pretending I didn't really live in Denmark. It's a lot of hope and expectation to have riding on this small aluminum tube in the sky.
Also, the past several months in Denmark have been so much about survival. Making things work with kids that have to be in school by 7.55am when we live across town, living with my mom and in various sublets, financial struggles, and all kinds of stuff.
Lots of things have been postponed due to the day-to-day survival mode. "Let's figure this out when we're back in the US, or on the plane." Well, that time is now. Now is the time to figure those things out. And that, as it happens, is scary.
What if I can't figure them out? What if the ideas aren't coming? I'm really really tired. It feels like I'm collapsing after all of the holding myself up I've been doing for the past few months, and in the collapsing, some of the feelings that were repressed are coming up to visit.
I know it's all bullshit, of course. But the thoughts are there, rummaging around in my subconscious mind. And thoughts create emotions, whether we're aware of them or not.
That's why it's so important that we become more and more aware of our subconscious thoughts and beliefs so we can choose to change them.
Continually shedding light on what's going on in our subconscious mind remains one of the most important and powerful things we can do in our lives.
About Calvin Correli
I've spent the last 17 years learning, growing, healing, and discovering who I truly am, so that I'm now living every day aligned with my life's purpose.
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