Happy

Falling in love is a feeling of being complete. The reason we feel this completeness, is because the other person is fully expressing a part of us that we’ve disowned. For me in my first marriage, she was really good at being social and building critical relationships with people out in the world.

Early on, we were both enamored with a book titled Information Architecture: Blueprints for the Web by Christina Wodtke. She was in Silicon Valley, and we were back in Copenhagen at the time, and so Christina seemed like a far away celebrity. When we got word that Christina would be speaking at an event in Copenhagen, my former wife reached out to her and invited her to stay at our house.  Christina accepted, and we built a friendship with her that eventually led me to start a business with her.

I, on the other hand, was totally introverted. I got really good at computers because I was scared of people. It’s funny looking back on now, because I’m pretty social, and I’m a coach and mind debugger who works with people in the most intimate and connected way. But back then, that side of me was completely disowned, and I lived inside a little “den” I’d built inside my own mind. Because of this, seeing my former wife confidently go out and build these relationships was so attractive to me.

But the other aspect that has to be there is the aspect that reminds you of the person that violated you, that made you feel wrong. This is what creates an element of danger, which is required for that level of attraction. If it’s all safe and happy, you don’t get aroused in that way. The element of danger creates that uncertainty, that “does she love me, does she not?” element that keeps you on the edge, fully engaged.

For me, my first wife reminded me of the part of my dad that I felt wasn’t able to see me or embrace my spiritual and emotional side. That’s what kept this feeling dangerous and alive.

The purpose of a romantic relationship is to use our partner as an opportunity to heal. To reclaim the parts of you that you disowned, and to make friends with the part of you that is the now internalized violator. In my case, to realize that I am in fact very good with people and don’t need the emotional safety of my “den,” and the voice inside of me that dismisses me, the way I felt my dad used to.

When we heal in this way, we become whole, and we get to grow together into joy and love and freedom as a couple.

But most people end up bickering. They live their disowned part vicariously through the partner, and the partner eventually grows tired of this. And we start complaining that “you’re just like my mother” or “you’re just like my father.” And then we break up, and we repeat the exact same pattern with a new partner.

And on and on it goes.

Just like it probably did for J. Paul Getty.

Because what was the constant in all of his relationships? Himself.

The opportunity in your romantic relationship is to be allies in healing your childhood trauma and overcoming the dysfunction of your family of origin. I think it’s fair to say that most of us grew up in fairly dysfunctional families, and as Gay Hendricks once told me, the greatest accomplishment a human being can make is to free themselves from this dysfunction.

Another key part of a successful romantic relationship is to understand and acknowledge the difference between the sexes. Men and women are different, they need different things from each other, and they offer different things to each other.My favorite teacher when it comes to this is Alison Armstrong. I highly recommend you check out all of her programs.

In Scandinavia, where I’m from, it’s long been the belief that men and women are equal and should share equally in responsibilities around the house and in the workplace, and … it just doesn’t work.

People get so touchy about this stuff, but let me just state the way I see it. If you disagree, that’s fine, but since this is my book you’re reading, let me state my view, based on my experience.

Men and women are different.

We each have masculine and feminine energies that we can access at different moments, as needed. We can each develop either side more or  less.

You can think of masculine as the energy that’s focused, directed, and strategic. It has a goal, a strategy to get there, and it’ll get super focused, put on blinders, and do what it takes to get there.

The feminine, by contrast, goes around in spirals or circles, is about the adventure, the experience, and isn’t going anywhere in particular.

The masculine is the river banks. The feminine is the water.

Feminine love holds acceptance for who you are. Masculine love is committed to who you could be.

Both are awesome. We need both. Yin and yang.

Women can do most of what men can do, but they’re wired to have more diffuse awareness where men are designed to be single focused, and they’ll usually not be fulfilled living the way men do.

Men cannot do the most important things women can, such as getting pregnant and birthing a baby. On the other hand, women cannot do this without some contribution from men.

The beautiful thing is that we need each other to provide what we ourselves cannot. And when we do provide that to the other, both thrive.

Most men thrive best when they live primarily in their masculine. Most women thrive best when they live primarily in their feminine. Romantic relationships work best when there’s polarity where one party is playing the masculine role and the other is playing the feminine.

For most of my life, I was very feminine. Some would call me a soy boy. I was weak, physically, and easily ruffled. I was an easy target for bullying because I took it personally and turned it inwards. I was not very physically active, instead focusing on my books and my computer.

For the first half of my life, I was very emotionally shut down. Later on in life, when I started to open up emotionally, I went even deeper into the feminine. Spirituality, feeling, visualization, lack of direction.

And the more feminine I got on the inside, the more I craved the feminine on the outside. I would wear leather jackets and chains and torn jeans in an attempt to feel more masculine. But I couldn’t get my need for the feminine fulfilled because I wasn’t the masculine polarity that would attract it.

It was only later when I started to really heal the wounded boy, to build my body physically, and to intentionally cultivate my masculine side, that I was able to find balance, and get my need for a feminine partner met.