Why aren't you using a coach? Or why are you?

I have several friends I have referred to coaches, but who haven’t done anything about it.

These are people who are suffering from serious stress, or have issues with their boss, or other problems, which haven’t shown any signs of improving for a while, and which they care deeply about.

Yet they haven’t taken any action. Why is that?

It took me quite a while to get started talking to a coach myself, so I may have a clue.

First, finding a coach seemed overwhelming. You want to make sure it’s a good one, and not just some schmuck! But these people have a personal recommendation from me, so that shouldn’t be the problem.

Second, there was the fear that explaining everything going on in my life would take forever. So the first 5 sessions would just be about explaining everything. The reality is that it takes at most half an hour to explain enough. Usually 5-10 minutes is enough. The details can come later, and mostly aren’t as relevant as you think they are.

Third, there was the fear that it was going to be painful. Realizing less pretty things about yourself is painful, and you kinda know in advance that you’re not going in there to be sweet-talked. You go for the substance. So it’s going to hurt a little bit. What we don’t realize is that it’s going to hurt for maybe 5 minutes today, versus the 10 minutes of suffering every day caused by leaving this problem unresolved for the next 4 months. Which would you rather?

Fourth, the fear that I was fundamentally broken in some way. This is a secret fear that almost all of us have, because the way we have been raised have taught us to believe this. That’s why I was afraid that if my coach kept poking, maybe he would reveal something that proved that I was not okay. The truth, of course, is that it’s hogwash. We are okay. There’s nothing frightening there.

Fifth, there’s the belief that you only need a coach if there’s something wrong with you. This too, of course, is rubbish. We have simply never learned how to live life effectively. We’ve learned by assimilation of our parents, and if we’re lucky, they knew. Most didn’t. We were consistently brought up to believe things that are neither true nor helpful. And our schools don’t help, either. So how are we supposed to know, exactly?

What else prevents people from using coaching?

If you’re not using a coach, what’s holding you back?

If you are, what prevented you from starting sooner?